Lexi Nikols, 40
6-2-18 "How single am I?..."
How single am I…on a day to day…very. When a great new movie comes out, I get an itch to check out a new romantic restaurant, my friends are orchestrating couples activity nights and I can’t be the one to keep bringing randoms or when the rumbling sound of thunder and pouring rain hits in the middle of the night, it’s apparent that I’m hella single. However nearly daily someone is telling me good morning and good night via text lol… le sigh…
I’m dating here and there. Some weekends my life feels like a great steamy scene out of Spike Lee’s original “She’s Gotta Have It”. But I just can’t seem to find that one that can take my mind off. of. him. Who’s he? you’re wondering… I guess we all have had or maybe even currently have that one guy we can’t seem to shake. That one that makes you smile just thinking about him… Grab a seat and some popcorn while I tell you all about it. <smile & swoon>
So last summer, I declared as I do nearly every year…that this is it! I’m going to speak it into existence and meet someone that I can truly connect with. Well I did y’all. It was like instant chemistry the moment he spoke, I was digging him. Our first date was straight fireworks. He’s tall. He’s very successful, well-educated and well-traveled. A true gentleman from walking on the outside of the sidewalk, to opening doors, standing until I sit, and he pays for everything. Even times that I’ve tried, he wouldn’t allow me touch my wallet. And he was consistent. Following our first date which ended up lasting all night until the next day. It was non-stop convo day and night everyday. Sweet texts and video exchanges. He wanted something real and made an honest effort to really get to know me and vice versa. It wasn’t one-sided…this was a mutual connection. From our interests, to family, to movies, ambition, lifestyle, sex drive, sense of humor… our kids even share the same exact birthday…it’s like a perfect match. After spending several months becoming acquainted with each other and having the best sex ever, we fell in love. Yes the L word has been exchanged on several occasions at this point.
But…<insert screeching brakes and a BIG ass BUTT> he desires an open marriage. He wants his wife to be bi-sexual and for the two of them to both mutually desire the occasional company of a 3rd person for fun. Females only of course. (“that Jada & that Will love”) And he’s very open about discussing it and being upfront about not forcing his wants onto someone else who isn’t as open-minded in that regard. Le sigh... I mean I’m a very sexual person. I’ve kissed a girl a time or two and liked it in my past…but never welcomed that type of intimacy with someone I had deep feelings for and most certainly never thought of incorporating that lifestyle into my marriage. I’m aware that some people do, I’m just not familiar and have no idea what that really looks like or would even be like.
Since this conversation was addressed and I made my more traditional values known, several times now we’ve cordially attempted to sever ties and go our separate ways acknowledging that this desire of his could become a major issue for us. And knowing that the longer we continue on, the deeper invested into each other we’ll become and the more painful an ending would be. Yet we can’t seem to go longer than a week without talking/texting. We even went the “lets just be friends route”. <Insert Trey Songz> “And I wish we never did it! And I wish we never loved it! And I wish I never fell so deep in love with you and now there aint no way we can be friends…” Not a chance. And approaching another summer here we’re closing in on nearly a year since we met.
Everyone I date, I compare to him. Everyday I’m thinking about him. I even feel some odd level of loyalty as it pertains to sexual boundaries with other guys that I might sleep with because I’d rather be with him. What shall we call him?… My lover. He’s my Zaddy…lol He’s That dude y’all.
Back to the original question… with a big smile on my face because I’ll be spending the evening with him here shortly tonight and yet…I’m single. Just not emotionally at this time. I’m not sure what the future holds for he & I. Will I ultimately desire the lifestyle he wants because I desire him so much? Or will this just be another faded picture in a freaky broken glass? Lol Time will tell and so will this blog. 😉