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Lexi Nikols, 40

11-13-18 "Revolving doors…”

I wake up and head downstairs to get water to start my day. Walk through the living room and start opening all my blinds to let the sunlight in. As soon as I get to the dining room in the front of the house, I peek out of the window and smile as I glance at Big Country’s nice shiny black Silverado parked in my driveway.

He came out to spend the night with me and this is his first time at my house. I don’t have many visitors at the house. One because I live in the boonies and two I’m just funny about the energy I welcome into my domain. So it means a lot for me to invite a man into my bedroom. It actually was a really goodnight and a pretty sweet morning as well. We’re approaching 3 months now, and Big Country is still hanging in there. But it did get rocky for a moment. Primarily because I self-sabotaged the relationship when I found out that I knew his boy a bit too well. I just knew it wasn’t going anywhere so freak-out-central ensued rather quickly. Let me tell you this crazy story about who I entertained in between though…

It was almost like perfect timing. Doesn’t it usually seem like that though…when you’re in the midst of something that’s when you get approached most often or someone from your past randomly hits you up out of the blue. So this one particular day, I spazzed during a day where I hadn’t heard a response back from Big Country for a couple hours following a text I sent. So I immediately went into flip mode. “Is he with his boy and they’re conspiring to embarrass me?”, “Is he with a chick and just thinks very little of me?”, “Did he change his mind and decide he would honor his friendship and can’t do this?” Mind you…it had only been a couple hours…<face palm> Anywhooo, I posted a story on IG. Just something meaningless really and funny. So a guy that I used to date some years ago, responded to it in my DM. And then we proceeded to go back and forth kinda checking in. Now what’s super ironic is Big Country’s real name isn’t real common. But this guy who’s now hitting me up shares the same name. Fun-Knee…

We’ll call the guy from my past, Mr. Sensitivity. Really because that’s exactly how he is and you’d never know it just looking at him. He’s a former model and competitive bodybuilder. And has even won a few medals to show for it. He also was the face of a very popular protein shake that you would find in a GNC store. So basically a very good looking guy and tall. However, he’s shared with me that in competing he became regular with steroid use to help boost his muscular definition and this has really affected him both mentally and physically as a result over the years.

After some back & forth in DM I agreed to link up. He’s a single dad with sole custody now of his son. Back when we first met several years ago and had just started dating, I remember like yesterday how excited I was about this tall, fine, and educated chocolate brother. In addition to modeling and bodybuilding, which I shared first just to give a visual, he handles approvals for multi-million dollar level business loans for a fortune 500 company. He makes a very nice living for himself and he’s about six years younger than I am. So he’s done fairly well for himself. But shortly after we first met, he shared that he’d gotten some crazy chick pregnant on accident that he wasn’t even interested in being with during a trip out in California. So the woman is pregnant and lives out on the opposite side of the country. Mr. Sensitivity comes from a really good family. They’re nearly like the Cosby’s minus the rapey dad. So he felt really strongly about taking the chick to court and getting full custody to raise his son. I was pretty much there for him through all of this back then.

When he first told me she was pregnant, I felt odd about continuing to date him. But what kept me hanging in there was the fact that first of all he wasn’t interested in her and secondly that she lived nowhere nearby. Months later, I ended up at his apartment one night with a baby in my arms, helping him change diapers and warm bottles. Mr. Sensitivity went from hot to not for real. The fun was gone and ish got real real frfr. He was moody as shit! Which is to be expected. I admired him so much for not only wanting to be an involved dad but for feeling so strongly about it that this big huge guy was on a mission to learn how to take this responsibility on full-time just to ensure that his son was raised to the best of his potential. But lawhd…it was just not for me at the time. He stayed tired and moody. Being a single parent is a lot for anyone but I think it’s even harder for a man. And other than hiring sitters, his family lives about an hour away so he had very little help aside from me. Needless to say, I kinda drifted off and we just remained friends from a distance through social media.

So fast forward a few years, his son is now 7. And they are so cute together. I’ve seen pics through the years on Facebook and IG and felt like I’ve watched them both grow. So meeting up with him really is just like catching up with an old friend. His son was spending the weekend with his parents. And we decided to do dinner in Buckhead and then checked out this virtual reality bar near Midtown. Talked, laughed, and really had a great time together that night. As the date ended, he was quick to make plans before we even left each other for the next day. I guess trying to make the most of his free time that weekend. I had already flipped out on Big Country the day before and hit him with the don’t call my phone anymore only to find out he’d just woken up from a nap after an intense workout that afternoon (so he says) and he was over me trippin. So I ended up spending the weekend with Mr. Sensitivity and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

I thought maybe this is the direction I should be going in…Following that weekend we talked everyday all day. He’d text first thing in the morning, check-in during the workday and then he’d call after work on his route to pick up his son from school. After a couple weeks of communicating like this and spending a few nights together, we decided to get out together with our kids. Major for me because I’ve never had anyone around mine. But it was an innocent playdate where we met up at a kid’s indoor play area and let the kids have a good time while we sat and talked. It really felt nice to see that our kids actually meshed well together and to see each other in a different element that was more family-oriented. While I enjoyed Big Country more physically, Mr. Sensitivity is more intriguing and more on my level mentally. Don’t get me wrong he’s very handsome, but Big Country is just a fist biting kinda fine.

As we sat there and talked while randomly seeing the kids run by us together, I thought that this just kinda feels right. And I do feel like somewhat of a hypocrite because I’d rather not date a man with young children. I like kids, but I don’t want anymore under my roof lol. However, I’m trying to remain open and not be selfish like that. So as we continue to talk, he looks at me like something heavy is on his mind and with a deep sigh, says…”So, Lexi… I gotta tell you something.” Oh shit…what the hell now, I thought, cuz no one starts out anything good to share like that. I respond “What is it? Oh no…what did you do?” He lowers his head and responds very somberly with “I have another baby on the way…”

THE FUCK!!! Dejavu at its realest! Ain’t nobody got time for this!!!

He continues on…”this chick is crazy. I had to take her to court already while she’s pregnant and have a restraining order put in place against her for a full year” <face palm> Dude what nah??? Now what’s the real deal with getting multiple crazy chicks pregnant!? Now I’m lookin’ at him real sideways, cuz he apparently has a thing for crazy pants. And while I’m not always the most sane in the room, I’ve witnessed the first baby momma for myself and she is bonafide Lynn Whitfield from the movie “Thin Line”, bag of oranges to the face type crazy. Ain’t nobody got time for this!!!

I have the worst poker face ever and just don’t have time to be phony in life, so my initial reaction was nearly everything that was going through my head. I was JUST thinking seconds before this news, what a good team we could make, how I could actually deal with mothering another kid, what’s one more really…But TWO more AND a newborn AND another crazy chick…nah… no can do. This date ended with shock and disappointment and he could surely feel all of it from me. After the kids finished playing we rounded the two of them up and said our goodbyes for the day. My thoughts were on full all night about what to do next and how to move forward or not…

That very next day, Mr. Sensitivity called himself “letting me have it”. He told me all about myself and how self-centered my reaction was to his news. Said I was feelin’ myself these days and not the same Lexi I used to be. (Lies btw) How let down he felt that I hadn’t asked more concerned questions regarding his feelings and how he was coping but only turned it to how this would affect me should we finally decide to pursue a real relationship. But duh! I knew how it was affecting him! I already sat through that for nearly a year the first time around! So I let him have his moment and then that confirmed everything for me….NEXT! The audacity! You got a whole entire baby en route. If I chose to be your woman, that would be with the intent to one day be your wife. This new baby and crazy situation could potentially become my situation. And while I might have considered it if I had been given more consideration and time, hearing his bitch-like reaction to my reaction was just too much. Keep it moving sir.

Like clockwork, the following day at around 7am, I get a text from Big Country. “Good morning, how are you?” I respond “I’m good. Nice to hear from you. How are you?” (it had been nearly 2 weeks of silence between us. A lot can move in 2 weeks I guess.) He replies “I have to admit, I miss you and I need to see you again.” So fast forward again, as soon as my free time allowed we made plans for dinner after work and headed back to my place for the night. It was a night of kissing and passionate sex. A lot of me admiring that crazy sexy body of his as I massaged and completely rubbed him down with oil. Ending with us falling asleep all cuddled up only to wake up doing it all over again.

Now as I stand here in the window, smiling at the aftermath of satisfaction and the thought of knowing that his fine ass is still upstairs in my bed, I hear my phone vibrate. Grab it from the kitchen counter where I’d laid it down and picked it up to see a text… it’s Zaddy. Smdh…These revolving doors don’t stop. But if something didn’t work the first time around, maybe there’s a lesson in this story to show that more than likely history will only repeat itself.

Zaddy’s text was a surprise. I entertained conversation with him the entire day. It was obvious that he missed me. And although Big Country had sent a similar text prior to us reconnecting, it didn’t give me the same feeling inside. Zaddy and I had a thing. He asked about how work was going, how my family was doing, he remembered certain moments I’d shared with him and his follow-up questions regarding specifics in my life during this convo showed that just talking with me impacted him in a way. He paid attention to me. It was a different type of connection that ran deeper than just the physical. And this rekindling convo now is reminding me of that feeling that’s missing with Big Country. With Big Country, we barely talk. Hell while I could stare at him all day, I honestly don’t even enjoy listening to his voice much. It doesn’t mean that Zaddy & I are meant to be or that I should re-engage with him again but maybe it means that this thing with Big Country is really just a filler…a placeholder if you will. And it’s signifying to me that I’m really still just out here waiting to encounter something real.

So for now…this next revolving door, do I see Zaddy again? Have the feelings I once had dissipated enough to truly place him in the friend zone? Can I handle great sex and fun moments with him with no strings attached and not end up in my feelings? Or is it best while I’m already in motion to keep things as they are? You know how men get… retarded asses, when we’re cool on them they get hotter and press harder. Let the chase begin…and we’ll see what happens next.

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